Thoughts: Self-Defeating Become Self-Powering
Montage by Victor Bloomberg, January 15, 2024
Preface
I listen as others share their thoughts. Sometimes I'll say, "That's a Thought-Mistake" and other times, "You are very clear and powerful!" Every Thought-Mistake contains a clue about power and love; and this is a short how-to guide.
Introduction
My purpose is to give you a short and simple how-to guide that you can use on your own or with a friend. It’s different from tools to stop self-defeating thoughts that are commonly used by Cognitive therapists. Cognitive Therapy is like a tree with deep roots and many branches. The basic idea is that thoughts can be changed to improve emotions and behavior. Like a lot of tools for personal change, usage often drops quickly. An experienced therapist whom I interviewed said:
Part of that plan involves using CBT*. I have a lot of training in CBT. Insurance companies like that. One of the things that I found is that a lot of people don’t want to do the homework. CBT works better if you practice between sessions, whether it’s digital, audio, or writing on paper. A lot of people aren’t into that. So I work the principles into the conversation. I talk about how it can help them think differently about what’s bothering them and how they can cope with it. *Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Self-Help for Thoughts
A Simple Worksheet
Give yourself space to write after each of the four steps. We are working on thoughts, so that doesn't work as well when we don't write. Whenever we write, draw, compose poems or lyrics, journal and so on, we can look at it. And we can share it with a friend if we want.
Identify the self-defeating thought.
Name the emotions that energize it.
Identify the opposite (uplifting) thought.
Name the emotions that give you energy.
In session, we work together for each of the steps. We answer related questions: How do I calm down enough to focus? What is the purpose of each step? Is a self-defeating thought the same as a negative one? Can you help me come up with an uplifting thought? What do I do if I don't know how I feel? For these and other questions, we work together to form answers that work for you.
Examples
People have said these things to me during my decades providing psychotherapy. I'm not telling their story, because your story is the one that matters. Do you have thoughts like these?
Self-Defeating Thoughts
"The world is f**ked, why even try?"
"I don't need this rehab, things happen, there's nothing wrong with me, this program sucks."
"I found out I have breast cancer after the doctor did a biopsy. I ignored a lump 'cause I thought it was just a cyst. I figured I was healthy, I didn't need a mammogram."
"The Court says I have to be here, I want my kid back, tell me what I have to do."
"I don't want my wife to travel with her girlfriend, they'll look like single women."
Self-Powering Thoughts
"I wasn't forthcoming, I stayed in my comfort zone."
"I am so used to getting high to run away from my feelings, without realizing that this also is taking me away from my family."
"I go through cycles of sabotaging anything good, then I go to self-pity and abuse. How do I break the cycle?"
"It's not that she's bugging me, it's I'm carrying resentments."
"I'm not sure what he wants, I'm thinking about asking that."
Summary
Thoughts are connected with feelings and behavior. It is a skill to take a thought that bring us down and use it as a clue to thoughts that lift us up. We can practice and use the skill by ourselves and with a friend.
In therapy, we develop and practice the skills. We learn to see that Self-Defeating Thoughts contain clues about power guided by love. We can recognize and nurture thoughts that are powerful and good. It’s a joy!
