Calm-Down for Me and Us

Photograph by Victor Bloomberg, October 4, 2024, Menomonie Lakeside Park, Wisconsin

Introduction

What can we do to calm down when intense emotions spike and are overwhelming? Our thoughts are racing and words become combative. We become exhausted and wobbly. It’s hard to gain solid footing while nauseated and dizzy. Calming down to re-energize and stabilize becomes the priority. There are two how-to-methods: Self-Care and Relationship-Care.

Self Calm-Down

Get to a quiet place. The simplest thing is to slow down breathing with your eyes closed: air in through your nose and exhale through either nose or mouth. Keep at it until you notice your heartbeat has slowed down and you feel steadier. Breathing Slow-Down can be enhanced with the Vagal Massage. Place your finger tips on your head and give yourself a light finger massage as you continue breathing with your eyes closed. Work your fingers all over your head except the eyeballs – forehead, temples, bridge of the nose, cheek bones, around the jaw and chin. Then use one hand in order to massage each shoulder. After both shoulders, raise your arms like wings and lightly shake them. When you are ready, open your eyes.

Relationship Calm-Down

Form an agreement at a time when the two of you are calm. It’s a shared plan that begins with a hand signal. A hand signal prevents the tone or volume of voice adding to the upset, and it prevents unhelpful words after the signal is given. Typical hand signals are hands-in-prayer, the peace sign, and the sports timeout. Either person can send the hand signal. It is to be respected. The plan includes time for the Calm-Down, five or ten minutes are typical. Each person goes to a quiet space to calm down and when your phone beeps time’s up, you return. There is one question for each person to answer, “Do I want to continue or table the discussion?” If the discussion is tabled, set a time to continue later.

Links

• When Do Emotions Injure or Heal? An introduction to the science of emotions and our reactions.

• Self-Care Five It is an easy-to-use reminder about how to be nice to yourself.

• Meditation Two videos: a 2-minute explanation of why it works and a guided meditation that allows your mind to wander.